When one of our family or friends develops
clinical depression the focus of attention is quite rightly on them, however,
it is important not to forget about the people who love and care for them. The pressures, frustrations, and concerns of
the family and friends tend to get forgotten.
A diagnosis of depression can cause worry, anxiety, and guilt in careers
and it is important to realize this is normal and healthy. Careers can be under a lot of stress dealing
with the situation, often feeling powerless, wondering what they can do to help
their loved one.
Careers play an important role in helping
their loved one to recover, although it is vital to realize that they alone are
not responsible for resolving the depression.
It
can be difficult for people who have never suffered depression to understand it
and to know what to say to the person who is depressed. There have been a number of callers to the
Helpline who say they had not been able to understand depression until they had
suffered it themselves. Incorrect and
inaccurate information can only make the situation worse for both clients and
carers. It is important to realise that
a person with depression cannot simply resolve their depression by “getting a
grip”, “pulling their socks up” or “thinking happy thoughts.” If it were as simple as that they would have
already done so. They already have a
negative view of themselves and these
statements will only make them feel much
worse. We would not dream of saying these
things to somebody with other serious medical conditions such as asthma, diabetes
and high blood pressure and it is important to realize that clinical depression
is also a real medical condition and not “all in the person’s mind.”
It can also be helpful for you and the
person you care for if you follow this Self-help plan with them. It goes without saying that being a career
can be very stressful and frustrating to say the least. The career may have to take on extra work in
the home like washing, cooking, cleaning, looking after the children etc, as
well as working. It is important that
careers look after themselves as well as looking after the person with depression. The depression charity called Depression
Alliance run a support group for careers.
·
how to talk to someone about depression
If you have a friend or
relative who is depressed, it can feel uncomfortable or awkward to talk to them
about depression. The last thing you want to do is say the wrong thing.
However, no one ever defines the “wrong”—or the “right”—thing to say. Remember,
too, that tone of voice makes a huge difference and that every person and every
situation is unique.
i.
Wrong things:
"But you have so much to be
happy about."
I started with this one
because this is the phrase I disliked hearing most. I know what good things are
in my life, and I still feel depressed despite all of these good things. In
fact, this statement nearly always has the opposite of its intended effect. Here
is instead what I heard: "You have all these great things in your life and
you're still depressed? You must be ungrateful and something is really wrong
with you.” It ends up feeling like an accusation rather than the comfort it is
intended to be. I am aware of these good things, but am hurting in spite of all
the good things in my life.
"You can get through this,
you are so strong."
No, I'm not, or I wouldn't
feel this way. I may become strong again some day, but right now, I'm not
strong. I'm weak and I need help. And that's okay.
“I know how you feel.”
No, you don't. This nearly
always comes off as condescending
unless you have personally
been through a true, deep, clinical
depression in your past.
“How are you?”
Unless you are passing me in
the produce aisle, please don’t ask me how I’m doing. I’m not doing well, and
if you ask me, I’ll lie and answer automatically that I’m fine.
ii.
“Right” things:
“It’s
okay to not be strong right now, let me be strong for
you.”
This felt good. I felt like I
could let my guard down and allow myself to feel weak and vulnerable while
knowing that I was still loved.Being able to relax while knowing that I had a
safety net helped tremendously.
“Tell me how it
feels for you right now.”
Instead of a “How are you,”
ask how I am using other words, more specific words. “How are you?” will elicit
“Fine” almost by reflex. When queried more specifically, you may get a more
honest answer such as "I feel numb," or "I feel scared and sad.”
Naming feelings can be liberating, and it’s comforting to know that someone is
interested in the real response.
“I'd like to help. May I (fill in the blank
with something
highly
specific)?”
Everyone says "Let me
know if I can do anything to help.” Usually, no one actually means it. And even
among those who do mean it, asking for help is difficult even when things are
going well, and it’s exceptionally difficult to ask for help when depressed.
So, instead say "I'd like to help you. Can I drop off dinner for you on
Wednesday" Be extremely specific. Overly, ridiculously specific. Make it
as easy as possible for the person who is depressed to simply agree to be
helped. Make it specific, make it soon and make it easy to just say yes.
“I
want you to know that I care about you.”
I saved the best and most
important for last. If you say nothing else, say this. In fact, you could say
absolutely everything on the "wrong" list, but if you say this, that's
all that really matters. Among those who
are at risk for suicide, there are a few more good things to say. However, if
you are dealing with someone with suicidal depression, never, ever go it alone.
“Do
not kill yourself.”
Believe it or not, this direct
statement has a huge impact. Do not preface it with please. Leaving please off
turns it from a request to a command. Sometimes it is easier to just blindly
obey than to comply with a request.
“I value your life and want you to be part of
my life.”
When suicidal, by definition
one doesn't value his or her life. Knowing someone else values it matters.
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